Single Days are Numbered

14 days.

But who's counting, right?

ME!!!

And my fiance, hehe.

Obviously, based on the previous two posts, this one is long overdue. I'll excuse myself, however, based on the fact that we've been planning a wedding within a two month time frame. We knew we didn't want a long engagement, but two months wasn't what I had in mind, ha! BUT can I just say that I'm glad we don't have to wait any longer?! Seriously, this is the way to go. You don't have time to dawdle over decisions. It also helps if you start knowing what you want. That being said, it's possible to plan a wedding in two months.

How do I begin telling the proposal story?

Probably the best way to start is to say that God completely redeemed that moment. He opened my eyes to the sin in my heart and forced me to face it head on. His timing was perfect. I know now that Cam had been hoping that I would "chill" so he could propose. He didn't want to do it to appease me, i.e. "here - are you happy now?!" But the clock was ticking and due to some decisions that had to be made regarding my apartment lease ending on August 4th, he had decided to propose Friday, May 31st regardless of whether there were any heart changes on my end. When I told him of my need to fast from him for three to four days, he didn't blink an eye. We had discussed fasting recently and different forms that can take, so he knew what I was talking about. Aside from a moment when the devil tried to put doubt in his heart (and consequently caused him to pause and think in order to determine whether he would still believe God is good if I broke up with him or turned down his proposal), he was actually kind of excited, I think. So, fast forward to Thursday, May 30th.

Cam had realized that he would have his daughter on the 31st, so he would have to bump the planned proposal night back a day...not that he minded. He had invited me to join the Find My Friends app a few months ago and despite that it's kind of creepy, I joined figuring it could come in handy later. What I didn't think about was how he could/would use for the proposal, lol. He knew the moment I left the office, stopped at the apartment office, hesitated at my car before heading upstairs, hesitated outside my door while having a brief conversation with Mom...he wanted to light the candles at just the right moment. When I walked in and realized I wasn't alone, my initial reaction was what I would consider the typical response for that kind of situation. I screamed. I think it was louder in my head than what actually came out, lol, but still. I was startled for a split second. It didn't take long for my brain to register that my boyfriend had used his key to get in and set up the perfect proposal scene. There were rose petals and candles scattered all over my table. A sign reading "Grow old with me, the best is yet to be!" A ring box.

Anyone who knows me well won't be surprised that the tears started immediately. These were happy tears and amazed tears because I had just spent about 45 minutes talking to Gran and Mom about how all my frustration and anxiety about getting engaged was gone. God had been gracious and forgiving and I knew at that time that I could wait however long it took. He is so good!!

So here we are two weeks away from the wedding. I'm surrounded by boxes waiting to be packed, furniture waiting to be picked up and wedding stuff everywhere. My mind feels like it's going bonkers (can you imagine everything floating around in there right now?!) and I'm surprised that this post makes any sense. But I couldn't let another day go by without writing this post. Who knows if this won't be my last one on this blog? I'm planning to start a new one once we're married. Who knows if I'll even have time to look at this again before the wedding, lol?! I do need to get some sleep, though, so I'll have to wrap this up. Will try to add more later, but not making any guarantees in this state, ha!

I hope you enjoyed the story. :)

Clarity

That is what I've asked for from the Lord. Clarity. He hasn't disappointed.

Yesterday I shared that I was convicted of making the man I love and our future marriage an idol in my life. As an extension to that our eventual wedding, that we've discussed quite frequently in recent months, has also become an idol. As my love works hard to make his proposal special, I've allowed the timing to get under my skin. There have been other things that have contributed to some of the frustration; things that have been worked out. Ultimately the problem is how I've handled things in my heart when things haven't gone the way I expected or thought they would and/or should. It (the proposal, of course) hasn't happened when I thought it would. Time continues to pass by. Our goal date approaches steadily and I just want to get started on the planning, dang it! All of that appears to be justifiable reason for concern. But...

Today, God put the word "pride" on my heart. My pride is bruised. Why?? Because I share too much. As people see my excitement and love for Cam all over my face and ask questions, I share that I'm expecting a proposal any day. We've talked about marriage, so naturally things will start falling into place soon, right?! Now I realize that the more time that passes the more embarrassed I am because I said too much and now my pride is hurt. Lord, maybe I should just chop off my tongue. Seriously, I have done what I told myself I wouldn't and now I'm paying consequences and taking it out on my dear, sweet man. Stealing his joy since mine has been disappointed.  Oh, honey, I'm so very sorry.

This is not easy to acknowledge to myself much less admit to you. I'm praying that forgiveness will soon follow this clarity as I repent with hopefulness and gratitude. I am so thankful that I serve an powerful God who loves us so much that He makes us His children and therefore rebukes us, points us in the right direction, rather than let us continue in our sins. I'm thankful for a godly man who understands our brokenness and is willing to extend the same grace and forgiveness that God extends with His help. Lord knows we couldn't do that by ourselves!

It's so strange - this clarity. I feel like a mask has been lifted from my eyes. My foolishness almost makes me laugh. Almost. I'm closer to tears, really. All the stress and anxiety. All the needless tears. It doesn't matter that I didn't mean or intend to share too much. I didn't stand firm and look at what has happened. What it has led to. 

"Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before stumbling." (Proverb 16:18 NASB)

"A man's pride will bring him low..." (Proverb 29:23 NASB)

"For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world." (1 John 2:16 NASB)

Dear God, transform this pride into humility and cleanse me of the ugliness it has bred in my heart. Guard my mouth and help me to hold my tongue when appropriate. I want to have peace and be patient in Your timing. I want to be joyful in your plan. I believe that Your thoughts are not my thoughts and Your ways aren't mine either, but that they are higher than mine, as far as the heavens are above the earth. I believe that Your plan is made for my good, not harm, and that it is infinitely better than anything I could possibly plan for myself. Help to rest in that, Lord. I am not in control and if I were things would go poorly. As broken as this world is nothing here can ever be perfect, so why do I try so hard for the ideal? Why do I struggle so much for perfection? It's exhausting and a fruitless pursuit. I want to rest knowing that You are perfect and in control and have my best interest at heart. I'm so thankful, dear Father, that You have opened my eyes. I pray that Your Spirit within me transforms my sinful ways to something that brings glory to You and to Your Son whose sacrifice makes this plea possible. I praise You for Your mercy and grace! For Your eternal love and forgiveness! Thank You!

Idols

I used to think that idols were strictly graven images, statues that people created to bow down to and worship in place of the Living God whom they could not see. I am learning that that is not the case. An idol can be anything that you place before or above God in your life. Sometimes it takes a while to realize something is an idol because it wasn't intentional. What started as a good and acceptable thing simply began to take higher priority and left little to no room for anything else. In other cases, it's not so much that it takes a long time to recognize it for what it is as a problem with denial, not wanting to admit or recognize the problem. I think for me it may be a little of both.

There is no doubt in my mind that my desire to marry is from the Lord. I can remember a time when I didn't really care for the idea. In my mind it would be much easier and I'd be much happier doing my own thing by myself. Then one day it felt like a switch flipped. I don't know that there was any specific trigger or event to cause this change of heart. I just know that everything I had wanted before had taken a 180 and transformed into the exact opposite. I wanted a husband, a family, a home and, much to my surprise, a garden. My thumb is blacker than all get out, so this should be interesting. All that to say, aside from the fact that I believe this desire came from the Lord, it isn't bad to desire those things. It's quite natural, actually.

It wasn't long after Cam and I met and started dating that we felt certain marriage is in our future. It's taken me awhile to realize that since the first time "wedding" was spoken between us, I have been obsessed. Anxious for the proposal I know is coming...chomping at the bit to start planning our wedding...hurt and angry that things aren't progressing on my timetable. I've excused it with platitudes like "I've waited so long!" and "I'm just so excited!". As true as those statements are they are just excuses for the sin of making our future marriage my top priority over everything else. Yes, I've waited for what seems forever. Yes, I'm super excited! Yes, our marriage is important. BUT it's place in my life should not be higher than God's. Cam will never fulfill me like God does. He has and he will disappoint me from time to time. This works both ways, I might add. As much as I hate to think of myself as bringing Cam disappointment, my brokenness insures that it will happen. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've recently been convicted of making Cam and our future marriage an idol in my life and it's time to "tear" that idol down.

No, we're not breaking up, lol! Heaven forbid! I love him so much and would be heartsick to lose him. What I mean by 'tearing that idol down" is that I need to put Cam and our future marriage back in their rightful places - under God.

Exodus 20:3-6 says, "You shall have no other gods before Me. You shall not make for yourself an idol, or any likeness of what is in heaven above or on earth beneath or in the water under the earth. You shall not worship them or serve them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, on the third and the fourth generations of those who hate Me, bu showing lovingkindness to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments."

Leviticus 19:4 says, "Do not turn to idols or make for yourselves molten gods; I am the Lord your God."

What that says to me is that anything that takes God's place in my life is an idol.

Jonah 2:8 says, "Those who regard vain idols forsake their faithfulness."

Ezekiel 14:4-5 says, "Therefore speak to them and tell them, 'Thus says the Lord God, "Any man of the house of Israel who sets up his idols in his heart, puts right before his face the stumbling block of his iniquity, and then comes to the prophet, I the Lord will be brought to give him an answer in the matter in view of the multitude of his idols, in order to lay hold of the hearts of the house of Israel who are estranged from Me through all their idols."

Though that is only a snippet from the first section of Ezekiel 14, it points out (along with the verse from Jonah) that our idols estrange us from God. I looked up "estrange" in the thesaurus and it isn't pretty. Alienate. Antagonize. Sever. Withdraw. To name a few...there are more. Now, since Christ's death and resurrection and ensuing redemption for those who seek His forgiveness, nothing can separate us from Him (Romans 8:37-39). It does not mean, however, that idols can't create a chasm in our relationship with Him.

Jeremiah 10:8 says, "But they are altogether stupid and foolish in their discipline of delusion - their idol is wood!" Or in my case, human and broken, just like me. Why would I look to another broken human being to fulfill every longing? Why would I want to put that kind of pressure on my beloved? But I didn't want to. It just happened. So the question becomes why. Why have I allowed Cam and our future marriage to become an idol to me? Now that I've recognized the sin and confessed it, how do I keep him/it in their proper places - under God?

Oh, Lord, please speak to me! Lay the truth in my ears and sear it on my heart. I'm listening.

When I First Saw His Face

Eleven months ago today I met the man of my dreams in person for the first time. With the intention of staying no longer than two hours, I unwittingly parked next to his car and began the task of finding the restaurant where we would have dinner together. I remember the moment I realized I was walking toward him. Oh, the nervous butterflies! I remember the moment I saw his face clearly and thinking, "Oh, wow. He is so much hotter in person!" Up went the nervous fluttering in my stomach, ha! Dinner progressed into a nice leisurely walk around a couple city blocks. Then a spontaneous visit to a wine bar. Four hours later I left with plans to see him again the next day. And that was the beginning of this new story in my life.

That was the day I met the person "whom my soul loves". 

Texas Rangers Game ~ April 30, 2013

No More Pain

Two weeks ago today my Poppa was taken up by His Lord and Savior. He went suddenly and quickly. Three small gasps as he followed a nurse's instructions to roll on his side and he was gone from this horrible world.

April 17, 2013 will be a date I never forget. That day I lost one of the dearest men in my life.

I knew it was coming. Eventually. No matter how many times you tell yourself, though, you are never prepared for the actual loss when it happens. I tried to comfort myself with the fact that he hadn't recognized me the last few times I'd visited, but it brought no comfort at all. Even though he didn't recognize me on his own, he still knew me and loved me. He was still here. I could hear his voice and see him dozing in his chair and see his excitement about something as simple as a peanut M&M. His prayers never wavered. It took him longer to say the words, but they were still as heartfelt as ever. Always thanking our King for His provision, requesting His blessing on loved ones and asking His forgiveness for a stubbornly sinful people.

Several prayer requests had been graciously answered in the way Poppa was taken up. First, he never forgot his wife. She was "Momma" till the end and thus one of her greatest fears never materialized. Praise the Lord! Another was that he never grew violent. This is hard to write because I could never imagine him being that in the first place, but also because I knew it was a distinct possibility the more time that passed. The more his mind as it was began to change. He was never officially diagnosed with Alzheimer's that I'm aware of, but one of his sisters died from it so it's not a far stretch to determine that was likely what ailed him. I won't go into details, but suffice it to say that she did grow violent and it was ugly. We are all praising God that Poppa never reached that point. Another specific fear of Gran's that never materialized. I didn't know this one till later, but she also feared that he would die at home. God was gracious in that, too. Poppa went to the hospital that day for what turned out to be a kidney infection. They were all confident that he would heal and be fine, but a third prayer was answered. There were others, I'm sure, but these are the main ones that Gran shared with me.

Poppa was 88 years old and had been Gran's husband for almost 67 years.

It's going to be weird not having him around when it comes time to celebrate our birthdays.

Just like it feels wrong to be speaking of him in the past tense.

My dear, dear Poppa. I miss you so much. It hurts.

But, despite my pain, I'm so very glad that you're not in pain anymore. You can see and hear clearly. There is no color blindness, memory loss or lack of recognition. No more weakness or fear of falling.

No more pain.

For that, I praise God with thankfulness that you are His.