New Year...Almost

What a depressing New Year's Eve...hearing (as opposed to seeing) the neighbors' fireworks going off...knowing my friends are having a party. And I'm here at home adding a depressing post to a blog I started with the full intention of adding to at least on a weekly basis...and failed epically at doing so.

The year 2009 started much more sadly as I struggled to get over the horrific loss of the man I have loved for several years. I say horrific...not because he died or anything, but because I found out he had lied. Lied big time. He was already married.

Later in January I decided I needed some change...nothing too drastic, but change nonetheless. So, I got a second piercing in my left ear. Okay, so nothing big to most people, but for those who know my family...well, let's just say I met with some interesting responses. Mom: "It looks like you have a fly on your ear." Dad: "Why do you have an earring in one ear and not the other?" (That was when I couldn't take it out and I was at a reenactment so I didn't have any other earrings in...it was about 3 weeks after I got it. I was shocked it took him so long to notice. Even more shocked that he didn't flip out.) Gran just noticed it the other day!!! "I think one of your earrings is broken." (It looked like that b/c she was seeing the second piercing above the first piercing in my left ear and she didn't see the same thing on the right ear. I was...surprised.)

February...I don't think anything extraordinary happened in February.

At the end of March I moved back in with my parents and "baby" brother. I love them dearly, but this last (almost) year with them has been difficult to bear. Basically, I moved for two reasons. In no particular order...I don't think...I moved because I had to get away from certain memories that lingered there and because I had allowed myself to become financially strained. Honestly, I was lucky I got the bills paid in January because frankly I didn't really care about much that month. February was a little easier, but not by much and by March I realized that I was in a hole I wouldn't be able to get out of without free rent.

April...I had a plan for how to get out of my financial situation that was supposed to start in April. But it didn't. Of course, at the time I was still naive to think that I would be back out on my own by August. The 3rd Texas Cavalry went to Pleasant Hill, LA, just like every year, and Daddy's stove was introduced to the group. It was a success when it came to preparing our meals and I think had more photos taken of it over the course of the weekend than we did...we were upstaged by Daddy's stove. A rather large group of friends from my singles' group, including myself, went on a trip to Washington on the Brazos and Brenham...neat, neat trip! I finally got my bluebonnet picture!!! I must say I have never seen so many bluebonnets in one place...ever!...until this trip. It was simply amazing...

In May I was asked out on a date by a guy I hadn't seen nor heard from for three months. Just out of the blue...and I agreed. But it had to wait till I got back from Florida. In January I had made arrangements to get away and visit my aunt in Florida. I purchased the ticket in January...yeah, that contributed to my debt. So, I went to Florida and had a fabulous time with my aunt, although, thanks to the weather I didn't get near as much beach time as I would have liked. Oh, well, that's the way the ball bounces...most of the time. Or at least that's the way it seems sometimes. I came back from Florida and went on the date, which was pleasant. I enjoyed it...and the chat on the phone the following Saturday...and the understated flirting the Sunday after that...and then nothing. For at least a week. No text. No call. No FB message. Nothing. Until I posted a status on Facebook about wishing God would bring around Mr. Right and then bam! Suddenly a message. But by that time I just didn't think I could deal with it. Wondering what was going on. Wondering if he was going to disappear for another three months before we had a second date. No thank you! If I had been 50% more interested or even thought the bit of interest I had would grow that much I probably would have given it another shot. If I hadn't been gun shy and insecure and emotional from the pre-2009 disappointment, I may have been more patient. What's so sad is that recently, several months later, I sat next to him in church for the first time since the Sunday mentioned above and thought about how stupid I was. I tried to contact him and hint at that fact, but, of course, it fell flat. Another epic failure.

In June I had a wonderful family vacation to distract me. We and a family friend, Victoria, went to Vicksburg and toured the Vicksburg Military Park, then stayed the night in Tupelo and traveled to Corinth to see the Civil War Interpretive Museum the next morning. That afternoon we went to the reenactment of Bryce's Crossroads (that felt strange - being a modern spectator instead of a period civilian). Tons of pics from that trip and so many memories.

In July...shortly before Independence day I made a third big change...I paid someone to cut 10.5 inches of my hair off. The resulting cut was cute, helped me to move on (I had grown it long for a reason) and I was able to donate the 10.5 inches to Locks of Love (yay! I want to do it again!). Sam turned 24...we ate at Cheddar's. July was also the first month on my new budget. I had finally realized that I wasn't getting any closer to my goal of financial responsibility and I had been living rent free for four months already. I went to talk to a dear friend who is financially savvy and she helped me set up my budget and...give up my credit cards. Actually, she and another dear friend still have all...er, almost all, of my credit cards. I started my cash based system and though it's a little more troublesome at times it has helped me tremendously. Of course, July was the first month on it so I didn't know how much I would take to it yet.

August brought John's 16th birthday (wow!) and the start of his sophomore year in high school. The boys and I went on a one day road trip to Rosebud, TX to visit our friend, Victoria, who was turning 18 years old. We saw some neat things on that trip! I started working part-time at Hobby Lobby to bring in some extra cash and ended up meeting an old friend...my senior prom date to be exact. He went dancing with me that night in fact and after that there was hardly a night we weren't talking on the phone or a day we weren't texting. We hung out several times and I helped him to decorate his new place in Woodville. He wasn't my type, not really, but man we were having fun!

The first weekend of September saw us on the road to Atlanta, GA...specifically to Nash Farm for the 145th Anniversary Reenactment Battle of Atlanta. Wow - what a trip! It was incredible! We also played a part in a skit for the 150th birthday of the Old University Building in Nacogdoches. A local lady had written an awesome skit - seven scenes performed seven different times as seven groups of 10 guests rotated between scenes (my favorite was the one of Sam Houston and his old flame, Anne, I think). It was splendid! Shortly after that the fling with the senior prom date ended. Shocked the tar out of me as one day we were talking like normal and the next...nothing. It had me confounded for awhile. I finally asked him for an explanation and he fed me a bunch of crap which I believed for a short while. Yeah, trust and guys don't go hand in hand with me right now.

October started out with a reenactment that we got rained out on. You can only imagine the mud and "river" we were fighting in order to load our trucks and trailers. Within hours after pulling out, someone told us our camp spot was flooded. I believe it. I turned 27 on the 27th. My golden birthday. It will never be repeated. I was given a stand mixer (whoop!) and had a barn dance...! It was wonderful! Something not so wonderful in some ways and tremendously wonderful in others was announced in October...my maternal grandparents decided to move out to my parents' place in Douglass. Bad because it means I have to say goodbye to my second home and good because my grandparents are healthy enough to make the move because they want to and can instead of because they have to and this will put them closer (way closer LOL) to Mom so she can take care of them as they succumb more and more to the effects of old age. This brought the unpleasant realization that both of them, though Poppa mostly, are aging considerably faster lately. Or so it seems...

In November we had our typical reenactment at Plantation Liendo only this year the weather was much colder, we had more than 40 people in our camp alone (including Mom, Teresa, and the McClure ladies, all first-timers) and I helped serve breakfast this time. I really must have a cloak made. Gran, Poppa, Aunt Nelwyn, Uncle Joe and my friend Katheryn joined us for Thanksgiving dinner this year. We had a feast! We ate on the beautiful dining table that Mom "inherited" from Grandmother Clinch. We also got fantastic news from C. J. and Jess - they are pregnant! This pregnancy is a miracle and we are praying for the safe arrival of the little Cordell.

Ah, December. A little bit of snow. A visit with best friends. Our last Christmas at Lledroc Farms. A renewed friendship with a cousin-in-law. Sharing the pain of friends as they find out about loved ones who are ill. Missing a lot of family members who couldn't come during the holidays. Welcoming a new baby to the family the day after Christmas. Excitement about paying off a debt and being so much closer to the financial independence I've been working for. Confusion and hurt between friends. A feeling of being terribly lost and messed up and feeling a dreadful need to step back and away and be an observer for awhile.

Amidst all these events and more that I haven't mentioned specifically I have had the pain involved with healing and the frustration involved with a need for change but confusion about where to go to get it. Also, hurt resulting from misunderstandings that could have...should have been prevented and from criticism given in love and concern but nonetheless hard to take and once taken, having to deal with the sense of being an utter failure and totally screwed up person.

So, all that to say...right now 2010 is looking to start on a down note. But if I've learned anything this year it's that even if things start bad, it doesn't mean you can't have good times amidst it. Despite it. Maybe I do have something to look forward to.