Increasingly Desperate

My daddy asked me where I see myself being in five years. Ha! I know where I would like to be in five years, but as time passes I become increasingly desperate. My heart's desire is to be a wife and mother. How can I begin to put a timeline on that? Especially considering that I am steadily getting closer to turning 30 years old and have yet to meet someone...

Lately my heart aches every time Mom mentions family friends who have grandchildren. If they have kids who  tare my age with kids of their own, it is even more difficult to hear. Hell. If they have kids younger than I am with kids of their own...you may as well just plunge a knife in my heart and give it a good twist.

My whole being yearns for that life. It seems to always be just beyond my grasp.  I feel unlovable...lacking any trait that a man would desire to tie himself to for a lifetime. I find myself being angry with God for not providing anyone. Our timing is not God's timing is cliche to me. I have heard that all my life. I believe it, but it does not comfort me as it should.

Instead I beat myself emotionally to create a distraction. The relief is only temporary - so I do it again and again. Maybe one day I will be able to cease...