So Much on my Mind

Last week was...borderline hell, actually. I am surprised I made it through the week without collapsing or having an accident. I should not have been allowed to drive considering how sleep deprived I was. Thankfully, the paper got done. (And, I found out Monday that I made a perfect 100% on it - BAM!) Thankfully, the slide show was completed in time (only had a minute left - eek! Talk about close...). Now I just have one final left and the two grad level classes I should never have taken will be over!

On Saturday I had the pleasure of spending the afternoon with a young lady whose family I have grown to love very much. Her mom is so ill - needing a liver transplant within the the next three to six months - and I just felt that Miss Haley needed some girl time so she could relax and feel free to talk about her feelings about everything going on. She is about to graduate from middle school and start high school next year. I cannot help but wonder if her mom will still be around to be there for her during those tough years. I pray that she is - very much so! I thought a lot this weekend about how blessed I am to have my mom. We do not always get along, but I know I would be lost without her. I thank God for her general good health, for her typical happy-go-lucky outlook and for her tender loving care not only for me, my brothers and our dad, but for her parents and friends, too. She is such a giving person - just like her parents. I do love my momma. Imagining the absence of my mom through my high school and college experiences gives me a great sense of empathy for Haley and I pray earnestly that she does not have endure that. I also pray that all of us can accept God's will in this situation, even if it is not what we want most. Haley and I had a great time - lunch at Olive Garden, pedicures, a couple concretes from Andy's (yum!) and shopping at Target, LOL!

On a more negative point regarding this past weekend, I had a lot of Michael memories hit me pretty hard. It has been awhile since that last happened so I was not really prepared for it. It even spilled over a little into Monday. I have begun to ask myself, honestly, how much longer I feel I need to hang on to all the momentos I have been holding onto since the end. Pictures (hidden away, of course), a dried rose (the last one he ever gave me), shoes (my last birthday gift from him)...well, scratch the shoes...they stay with me until they wear out, LOL! Can I finally bring out those camo pants from Old Navy I bought with him in mind and loved to wear so much? They are super comfy and quite flattering on me, but the memories of buying them and his reaction, possibly better than I imagined, to them are just...well, they have not seemed to fade yet. I could go on and on. Emails...can I finally...permanently...delete them? And what of the book of letters I had written to him with the intention of giving them to him upon his return from Iraq? They are a part of me...of my life...as much as he was until he...well, I feel like he died. He is dead to me in the ways I never thought to imagine. Has been for over a year now, so why does the thought still bring tears? Why do I keep every scrap of paper I find on which doodled his name? Here come the tears...again.

Monday night I had a good chat with a new friend I met through reenacting. This chat included the Michael topic. How embarrassing is it that I still bring that up to people...and practical strangers at that?! He was such a great listener, though, so despite feeling like a spewing fountain I kept "talking"...we were on FB chat, of course. Anyway, other stuff came up, too, and really gave me a lot to think about. Specifically, perhaps one of the reasons I find it easier to befriend guys is that I am subconsciously trying to fill the hole I hope a husband will fill one day. Hmmm. It is never my intention to use my guy friends. That is not the type person I am nor want to be. It does not mean that I am not falling into that pattern, though. Even the purest intentions...in this case, having close friendships with guys...can have bad consequences...for example, though I am not consciously thinking it, my actions may indicate that "I am not interested in you romantically, but I like your attention so keep it coming". Or something like that. All that to say, it has given me a lot to think about regarding how I interact with and speak to the guy friends in my life. Just for the record, that was really hard to put out there, but I did it because I felt the need for blunt honesty.

On top of all that I am trying to get my "junk" organized...throwing tons away...gathering tons of stuff for a garage sell. It is hard for me to find a stopping point - I just want it to be done!

I think that is all...or at least all of the primary topics occupying my restless mind right now. Or perhaps I am just trying too hard to end this post and actually post it, LOL, since I have not posted anything for almost a week. How many times can I use "post" in one sentence?! Anyway, that is all for now. Good night!