Pits are Dark

I think I have a glimpse of what Joseph felt in the bottom of the pit his brothers threw him into. The darkness would have been overwhelming, depending, of course, on its depth. Obviously I am assuming that it was really deep. The circle of light at the top may have been visible, but how much help would it really have been considering he was trapped? There are times that I feel I am in the bottom of a deep pit I cannot escape because I cannot see my way out. Last night I found myself in a pit again. I picked a fight with Mom. I do not know why, but as soon as Dad told me she wanted my help in the kitchen I decided to say something I knew would cause an uproar. It did. I was not disappointed...until after, of course. Then all I felt was a deep remorse and self-pity. If I were successful I would not still be living with my parents. I would not have to be subject to their rules. I would not feel like a 12 year old in a 27 year old body. All these things and more not mentioned make me feel like the ultimate failure.

Today Mom came upstairs to tell me good morning...to reiterate that I am not a failure...and said that Dad thinks I should finish the Interior Design program I started five years ago. "She was really good at that!", he said. If only he knew how much I regret not finishing that program! If only he knew all the roadblocks preventing me from going back.

1) It is a very intense program, especially when you get to senior level classes. The projects are very detailed and time consuming making it very, very difficult to hold a part-time, much less a full-time, job while in school.

2) I could go to part-time work if Mom and Dad continue to let me live at home...which is hard enough right now because I have already been back longer than I intended. Their roles as parents and my being an adult are clashing like the most abrasive of objects rubbing against each other. I imagine two separate pieces of sandpaper being rubbed against each other, grit-side to grit-side. Ick!

3) Working part-time means harder to pay the bills I do still have - car payment, cell phone, prescriptions, life and car insurance. Working part-time means giving up health care benefits (prescription prices go up) and paid vacation (no vacation?! because you know I will not be able to afford unpaid vacation) and profit sharing (so close to being further vested) and extra spending money for having fun on occasion (a.k.a. no life). Can I do it? I am not so sure.

4) This would mean living at home at least another two to three years (choke). Unless someone willing to take on an almost 30 year old student as his wife comes along and rescues me. Not counting on that obviously, especially considering current circumstances.

This is a prime example of how wrong decisions can come back to bite/haunt you. I have made enough to haunt me the rest of my life.

Someone I am getting to know offered the following suggestion: there is a distinct possibility that I am exactly where God wants me to be. I am not happy, but no matter how much I pray about it, no matter how much I rant and rail to Him about wanting change, I still do not see a way out. I do not see an open window, much less an open door, leading me to new opportunities. I wonder if deep down I know that this is where I am supposed to be, but I do not like every aspect of it so I choose to ignore it rather than accept it. I guess I am wondering if I am responsible for my own blindness.

Dear heavenly Father...please open my eyes!